As a recovering control freak I read these words and I must marinate in them for a while. I am stubborn. I am outspoken. I am in control. I can do it myself! I sound like a toddler who just found their freedom and voice. All kidding aside, I really do need to surrender, and admit I can’t do it, and now I can say that I don’t want to do it all on my own anymore. I thought I could, but after surrendering I see that life is simpler giving up the control. My way wasn't always the best way. Walking in the Lord’s will for my life has never felt so peaceful. I don’t want to say that it is because I moved away to become a “missionary”, I want to say that it is because I was stripped away of anything familiar and went completely out of my comfort zone and could only rely on Him for a lot of things. I do know that getting away to a simpler life and having 2 kids in school until 3 every day does give me time to really work on my relationship with Christ. To listen, to learn, and to reflect.
Before coming to the DR in June of 2011 I was busy, distracted, overwhelmed with all the things to be done to get out from under 10 years of living in a house after having 2 kids, scared of the unknown, throw in a little denial, stress of finding homes for 1 crazy dog, and 2 cats that I had had for 10 years, trying to sell a home in a downed market, facing a HOA that won’t allow you to rent your home, and then walking away from life as you know it (and a pretty good one at that) to follow a call that you HOPE you heard right. But back in April, my world came crashing down. The many nights of sleepless, mind racing and restless nights caught up with me. It started out as a few hours missed here and there, but when you add them all up, add in stress and worry, and not eating or taking care of yourself you end up with a mess. That mess was me. I was sleep deprived and I thought I was going crazy. I knew it was getting bad, but it sneaks up on you, and it is hard to see a way out. I got to the point that I couldn’t even sleep even as hard as I tried. My mind raced. I thought about all the things that might happen. What if we have to go to the closing table to sell our house and we have to come up with $20K? What if we don’t like it there? What am I going to do with all my stuff? What if all of this is for nothing? I was stuck in the “what ifs” and I wasn’t trusting God that He would handle it all, or even better that He was in control of a plan for me. I had made the “Give it to God” box but somewhere along the way I kept taking out the things I had previously put in the box. I wasn’t trusting. I had chosen to think that I had control over these things instead of realizing that I didn’t have control. But by trying to control them I was only making myself miserable and sick.
Before we decided to move to the DR and follow God’s call I had only been in the DR for 10 days on a mission trip with Mike and the kids back in the summer of 2010. I knew where our house was, as I had been on the property during a softball game while we were there, but I didn’t know at the time it would be our future home. We had a trip planned in April to check things out. Well that never happened. We had our tickets, Mike had packed our bags (you know I had to be out of it because I let him pack all that we would need for our trip), and the alarm was set for our early morning flight to the DR. I couldn’t wait to go. I really didn’t care what Mike packed for me as long as I could sit on the beach and relax and get away from all the crazy going I was allowing to affect me. The alarm went off that Sunday morning and Mike said “We are not going. You need help.” I don’t know if I was relieved or sad, but I just couldn’t fight anymore. So he called our church and soon an angel dressed like a therapist came to my bedroom. She said I might need to be hospitalized because I really needed sleep and was most likely dehydrated. The sleeping pills I had tried that should have tranquilized an elephant hadn’t even gained me a wink of sleep. So a friend watched the kids and Mike and I went to a facility and they asked me a bunch of questions and if I thought about hurting myself. I told them I didn’t but I knew why people would want to because I felt like I was a living hell on earth with no way out. Since I wasn’t going to hurt myself, they couldn't help me. They sent me home after suggesting some group therapy I could start the following week. After again no sleep we tried the emergency room. The doctor gave me an injection to calm me down. He said no wonder you are a mess, there are like 10 main stressors in someone’s life that can cause major anxiety and stress and I had at least 5 if not more. He told me unfortunately the main side effect was that the drug would make me sleepy. BRING IT!! And I happily handed him the arm with my best vein. Ahhhh…..sleep. My poor husband and my friend sat there watching me, both relieved the relief was in possibly in sight. Mike was exhausted too and he fell asleep on the floor. I still didn’t find relief from the psychiatrist who gave me something to help me sleep but didn’t want to help me until I got about 2 weeks of sleep and I was in a better mind. Although I wanted the “quick fix” I knew that she was right. But still what she gave me only gave me a couple of hours of sleep. I finally got the help I needed when I went to see my primary care doctor.
She prescribed the following:
1. Eat 3 meals a day
2. Exercise – yoga is good
3. Ativan - .5 mg twice a day (double what had been prescribed by another doctor)
4. Trazodone 100 mg at bed (double what had been prescribed by another doctor)
5. Multivitamin daily
6. Journal/Dump (dump means take a piece of paper and write down everything that is on your mind when it is racing)
7. Put yourself first
As I look back on this time in my life now the answers now seem so simple. But when you are going through it you can’t see it. It creeps up on you and before you know it life is spinning out of control. Someone said to me that you know that you make the enemy upset the closer you get to doing the Lord’s work. Once I realized that I could see the hand of the enemy in a lot of this. I could see how I had been tricked. Little by little the enemy got me in his grip. I had taken my eye off of God and let things that were out of my control overtake me. Of course looking back hindsight is 20/20. I now see the warning signs and I don’t let the enemy trick me anymore. I find there are times where I am tested and I have to make sure I pay attention and really take care of myself.
Lord I am not strong enough and I need to remember that I never will be. I need You every minute of every day. I need to rely on You and go to You each day for my strength. I want to soak up Your Word every day and live out what You have commanded of me. Thank you for all the people You put in my life during that time that loved me and cared for me, sometimes more than I cared for myself. I am forever grateful for all of You, thank You! Thank you for Your Son, love, grace and mercy. Amen
In His Grip,
Jodi
Jodi you are so blessed!
ReplyDeletexoxo
Jennifer F