How can He love me so....

I grew up a Chreaster...I went to church only at Christmas and Easter.  I remember going to church more with my Grammie (my dad's mother) when I was young.  But my memories were of boredom sitting it church not paying much attention to the message and more attention to keeping quiet and coloring or reading a book.  When I met Michael, my husband, I started to go to church more.  When we moved to Georgia in mid 2000 we attended a catholic church which was what Mike was raised attending.  Since we were getting married in 2001 and we wanted a mass, I started the process in the catholic church to become catholic.  It starts in September and ends at Easter.  Along with that we also did marriage prep classes and a pre-cana weekend get away to prepare for our wedding.  We did all of this in Georgia, but we were married in Brockton, MA at the church where Michael attended.  I loved our church in Smyrna, GA.  Our priest was a former college professor and he was a great teacher.  I sat there week after week and soaked in all the nuggets he taught on.  

I don't remember the exact year, but probably 2002 I had left my job and had some free time.  I discovered a Women's Conference...which I can't even remember the name of, maybe Extraordinary Women.  It was at a church in Cumming, GA called First Redeemer.  The main speaker was Kathy Troccoli.  I don't remember exactly what she said, but all I know is that it was my first introduction to southern religion with hand raising and different worship than I had seen before.  I remember hearing her message and then I started crying, and crying, and crying.  She was speaking about God's love for us and how much he loves us. I don't know why but I hadn't got that message in that way before that day.  I knew God more as a disciplinarian and I was just a sinner who needed a savior.  When I heard her continue to talk about how much God loved me it was a feeling I don't even know if I can even convey. I guess it was hard for me to comprehend because I wasn't familiar with real love from a father.  My Dad told me he loved me.  But because he chose to spend his time at work and not with our family and drank too much to really be available when he was home, I didn't feel his love.  I didn't know what it was like to have a father who poured into your soul.  Who cared if you were headed down the wrong path and hanging out with the wrong people.  My dad wasn't someone who went to my softball games and played catch with me in the back yard.  My dad didn't teach me any life lessons.  I am sure my dad has many regrets in all these areas that he wishes he could change.  Bottom line is, for me it is difficult for me to grasp that God loves me as much as he does.  And on that day, along with many other ladies, I made a commitment to follow Christ, He came into my heart that day.  

I often wonder if others feel this way too about really grasping how much God loves us.  Is it because I didn't have a father growing up that was a part of my life that makes it hard for me to really understand fatherly love.  Do others who had amazing fathers feel this same way?  It is hard to really understand the unconditional love that God offers?  Or is it because I have things that I am ashamed of and I wish I could have changed from my past.  Does it have to do with worthiness?  I often feel unworthy of such amazing love.  I sometimes even feel guilty and unforgivable about my past decisions.  The truth is that God loves me A LOT, he forgives me and His love covers me with His grace and mercy.  There is nothing I can do to stop Him from loving me.  He knows all the hairs on my head, He created me and my journey, so there is nothing that I do or did that surprises Him.  

When I commited to follow God then it is my responsibility to get to know Him.  He knows us better than anyone else.  So I needed to do all I could do so that I could get to know all there is to know about Him.  Reading the bible and quiet time with Him I think are the two most important things that I can do.  I used to think that going to church was the most important thing to do.  But one day a week for a couple of hours didn't cut it for me.  Then I would go to Women of Faith conferences and get all fired up for a couple of days then slip back into my old ways.  Then I would think reading books and listening to others was it.  Those are good, but shouldn't be my main focus.  Two people really finally drilled that truth to me that intimate time with God is the most important.  So I still struggle with this, but I am closer every day.  I guess I feel like I have a lot of time to catch up to the knowledge of God an almost 40 year old person should have, so I use many different ways to gain the knowledge.  Focus and discipline are important for me to get the most out of my spiritual walk.  I had a hard time reading the bible. I would read and it wouldn't make any sense to me.  Mike got me a dual bible which was The Message bible on one side of the page and a more traditional translation on the other side of the page.  This has helped me a lot and has given me a desire and thirst to want to read the Word.  Now I can read a story in any bible that I have previously read from The Message and get another depth of understanding.  

The Jesus Calling app for my iPhone has also been amazing to deepen my understanding.  The author has such a gift with words.  Here is an example of what I mean, the beginning part of each day's reading is the author's own words, then at the end are the bible verses that she is writing about:

I love you with an everlasting Love, which flows out from the depths of eternity. Before you were born, I knew you. Ponder the awesome mystery of a Love that encompasses you from before birth to beyond the grave.

Modern man has lost the perspective of eternity. To distract himself from the gaping jaws of death, he engages in ceaseless activity and amusement. The practice of being still in My Presence is almost a lost art, yet it is this very stillness that enables you to experience My eternal Love. You need the certainty of My loving Presence in order to weather the storms of life. During times of severe testing, even the best theology can fail you if it isn’t accompanied by experiential knowledge of Me. The ultimate protection against sinking during life’s storms is devoting time to develop your friendship with Me.

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with lovingkindness.”
—Jeremiah 31:3

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.
—Lamentations 3:22–26 - http://bit.ly/eF5kSq

You Version is also great.  It has tons of bible reading plans.  www.youversion.com  If you are like me, I prefer something more structured where I can just click on my computer and have what I need right there each day.

Journaling and praying are where I need more focus.  Any suggestions of what has helped you are appreciated!

Make a commitment to find out where you feel like you need more focus in your spiritual walk.  Ask for help, and even ask for a friend to be an accountability partner for you.  Reach out to someone and see where it can take you.

In His Grip,

Jodi